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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29059122">Flash</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePuma810/pseuds/ThePuma810'>ThePuma810</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Killing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:55:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,495</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29059122</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePuma810/pseuds/ThePuma810</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sarah has flashbacks to her abandonment at five years old during a power outage. Set in my 96 Hours universe.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Stephen Holder/Sarah Linden</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>These characters do not belong to me.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Linden shuddered as lightning flashed and thunder rumbled through the air. The lights blinked for a few seconds but remained steady. She exhaled a shaky breath and shook her head. </p>
<p>
  <i>Get it together, Sarah. It’s just a thunderstorm. This is Seattle, after all.</i>
</p>
<p>It had only been about a week since Holder had brought her home from the hospital after she’d had a nearly fatal reaction to the drugs used on her in the psych ward following the attack at the casino. She was still not cleared to work or drive and she found the days she spent in Holder’s apartment to be mind-numbing. Without any freedom, Sarah felt like a caged animal who longed to be back out in the world. </p>
<p>The lights blinked again before plunging Sarah into total darkness. A shrill sound pierced the air and it took Sarah a moment to realize that it had come from her… a cry of terror as she was relieved not been witnessed by anyone else, even her partner himself. </p>
<p>She tried to calm herself with thoughts of him. Holder. Her partner in every way since they’d discovered and confessed their love for each other when she woke up after four days in the hospital. Jack had looked triumphant at the reality that his fondest wish had come true… his mother and Holder had finally become a couple. She smiled weakly as she imagined Holder there with her, in his apartment in the dark. He’d probably correct her if she referred to it as “his” apartment and insist that it was theirs… their dojo, in his manner of speaking. </p>
<p>But now the dojo was frighteningly dark, bringing up memories that had surfaced much more often since Sarah’s attack and injury. In her dreams, she had seen her birth mother and released the bitterness she’d held against the woman who had abandoned her in the dark. that she was truly alone in the dark, again. </p>
<p>Suddenly the images of her imaginary meeting with her mother while Sarah had been unconscious in<br/>
the ICU flew into her mind. She had been willing to lay aside her bitterness and felt safe there in the place between life and death. But in the waking world, the flashbacks had started almost immediately. Even before she was transferred out of the ICU, Sarah had started to suffer from awful nightmares about the dark and being left there indefinitely. Some of these dreams involved Sarah’s childhood and some were twisted distortions of reality in the present day. She would be walking along the streets of Seattle at night, unable to find her car or know her way home. The worst thing was that she could not find Holder. She would awaken drenched in sweat with her heart pounding and entire body shaking. When a nurse would inevitably come with a syringe full of sedatives, she didn’t even protest, much to her partner’s surprise. Later he had told her that she spent an extra week in the hospital because of the delays in healing brought about by her night terrors. Finally she was allowed to leave with a strong bottle of sleeping pills at the ready to help her get the rest she needed to recover. </p>
<p>The night terrors had their daytime counterpart of flashbacks that came out of nowhere. The moment that Sarah could not immediately find a light switch in a room at Holder’s apartment, she fell into pieces. The old Sarah would never have wanted anyone to see her cry, but now it was impossible to shield from Holder. At least he understood and held her in his arms, reassuring her that she was safe and that he wouldn’t let her be left alone in the dark ever again. </p>
<p>Then the storm had come while he was on duty. Sarah held her cell phone in her hand, gripping it like a lifeline. She tried to keep herself from calling Holder, but it was getting harder and harder to resist. </p>
<p><i>Just five more minutes,</i> she told herself. <i>Call him in five minutes of the power isn’t on again.</i></p>
<p>It was a game she was playing with herself. If Sarah could convince herself that it really would be all right to call him in five minutes, then once she reached the end of that time, she’d repeat the whole idea again. She’d crawl through the night in five minute increments until Holder was home and she could pretend that everything was fine; the storm had meant nothing. She’d hardly thought of it. How was his day? Good, good. She’d barely noticed the time going by.</p>
<p>Sarah stood up, barely needing any light to make her way around the apartment because she’d grown so familiar with it. She headed absentmindedly to the kitchen to see if there was anything to eat. If there was something good in the refrigerator, she might as well have it because the power outage would soon turn it to mush and it would go to waste. Sarah stopped and shook her head in disbelief. Since when did she care much about food? The answer was painfully obvious but she could barely bring herself to think it. </p>
<p>
  <i>Five-year-old Sarah stood in the dark kitchen in the apartment she and her mother shared. But her mom had been gone for the third day in a row and Sarah had been hungry most of that time. She’d eaten what little food she could find in the lower cabinets and cupboards, but now the empty ache in her stomach was forcing her to look upward. Pulling a kitchen chair over to the cabinet, she climbed up onto the counter and opened the doors of the upper cabinets. She closed her eyes to try to remember what her mother kept in there; maybe some crackers or plain cereal…</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Her reach was rewarded with two boxes each of crackers and cereal. She couldn’t climb down whole holding these treasures, so Sarah tossed them onto the floor. They landed with a bang that nearly made her lose her balance on her perch in the countertops. But Sarah kept her head as she went back down, instinctively knowing that she had to depend only upon herself for survival. She couldn’t make a mistake.
</i></p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p><i>The mistake wasn’t made in the kitchen as she foraged for food. It occurred when she was fast asleep in her unmade bed, experiencing her worst nightmare to date. She didn’t realize that she was screaming in her sleep, which was loud enough to wake one of the neighbors who called the police.</i>
</p>
<p>Sarah found a mostly eaten carton of ice cream in the freezer. Rocky Road was Holder’s guilty pleasure that she had not known about until moving in during her recovery. She sank down onto the floor and started to eat the remnant of the carton as silent tears ran down her cheeks. Five more minutes. Then it would be okay.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sarah nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard the door open and footsteps lead into the apartment. Although on high alert, she found herself unable to move as she heard the footsteps grow closer. </p>
<p>“Yo! Linden?” Holder’s voice was soft and brought her back to reality. She wasn’t being attacked or intruded upon, it was just Holder. He stepped into the kitchen and a flashlight beam illuminated her still form crouched on the floor, her cell phone held tight in one fist and a spoon in the other. A nearly empty tub of ice cream sat in front of her but she was staring straight ahead into the dark. “The power’s out. Are you ok?” He bent to meet her eyes. “Sarah? Are you ok?”</p>
<p>She shook her head, not trusting her voice. Tears were threatening to spill out of her words and eyes. </p>
<p>“Mind if I join you? You’ve got the good stuff out here,” he nodded toward the tub of ice cream. </p>
<p>Sarah shook her head again. </p>
<p>Holder lowered himself and his long legs to the floor in a quietly graceful manner in order to not add to her nerves. “Looks good. Can I have some?” </p>
<p>She offered her partner the spoon but held it out like a weapon. </p>
<p>“You’re ok, Sarah. It’s just a power outage,” he said as he scooped ice cream from the tub. “You want any more?” </p>
<p>“No.” She lowered her head and stared at the floor. “It was going to spoil and I didn’t know how long the power would be out,” she tried to give an explanation. </p>
<p>Thankfully, it didn’t take much for him to understand that she was reliving the week the dark from her childhood. “We have enough. The power will be back on in no time. It’s just a storm,” he explained, putting the ice cream away. He lowered himself to the floor again. “This isn’t very comfortable. Let’s go to the living room instead.” He offered Sarah a hand, which she took and stood up beside him. </p>
<p>They walked slowly out of the kitchen with the steady beam of Holder’s flashlight brightening their path to the sofa. “You’re safe, Sarah. It’s just a power outage and you’re not alone.” He cradled her against him, holding her tightly as he felt her body begin to relax. “That’s better,” he whispered into her hair. “I’m sorry that you were so frightened. But I’m here now, aight?” She started to weep silently and he pulled her even closer. </p>
<p>“I couldn’t see anything and it was just like all of the nightmares I’ve had lately,” she said quietly. “I thought finding something to eat would help so I could prove to myself that it wasn’t like before.”</p>
<p>“Are you hungry? Cause if you are, I’ll go out and get whatever you want if I don’t have what I need to make it here at the dojo,” Holder offered. “Just say the word.”</p>
<p>Thankfully, Sarah wasn’t hungry because the thought of being alone in the apartment again terrified her. “No, I’m good.”</p>
<p>“Holler at me if that changes,” Holder said. “I’m sure I have something in the dojo I can fix for you.” It was obvious that she didn’t want to be alone. “I ain’t going to leave you, Sarah. The farthest I’ll go is the kitchen. I promise.” </p>
<p>She nodded but began to cry again. “Why would you stay when no one else has?” She couldn’t believe she had said it aloud; it was a thought that she usually kept to herself. </p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Holder admitted, “but they were fools. No one with a clue will leave you, Linden. I certainly ain’t going anywhere. Except we’d better get you to bed because you’re starting to shake and I don’t like it.” </p>
<p>Sarah shook her head. Going to bed meant that she had to take one of the pills that had been sent home from the hospital with her. They dragged her down into sleep and that was the last place she desired to go. </p>
<p>“No, please, Stephen. I’ll stay here on the sofa,” she pleaded. </p>
<p>Holder sighed. “They made me sign papers and stuff that I’d make sure that you got enough rest so you wouldn’t, like, relapse and have to go back or anything like that.” His voice dropped in volume as he became even more serious and reflective. “I watched you almost die on me, Sarah. First in my car and then in that hospital bed. I’m not going to let that ever happen again. Please cooperate with me. I can’t lose you.”</p>
<p>Sarah felt a lone tear fall down her cheek. “I won’t leave you,” she said. </p>
<p>“Promise?” Holder held her even closer to try to still her shaking. </p>
<p>“I promise,” she said through her now chattering teeth. </p>
<p>He picked her up and carried her to the bedroom, laying her on the bed like she was made of glass. To him, after seeing how fragile the events of the past few weeks had made her, it was an apt comparison. He picked up the bottle of pills, trained his flashlight on the instructions in order to see them and took out two. </p>
<p>“Two?” Sarah didn’t reach for them as he held them out to her. “I’ve been taking only one.”</p>
<p>“That’s the problem, girl, you didn’t read the instructions. You’re supposed to take two, that’s why you’re still having nightmares. They’re only halfway working. The doctor told me you’d be out enough to not have any dreams.” </p>
<p>Sarah sighed and knew that it would be no use to argue. Sleeping had become such a tense thing that the last thing she had done was look carefully at the bottle. She accepted them and the water bottle that Holder had on one of the nightstands and swallowed the tablets without a word. </p>
<p>“Please stay with me. I know I’m not supposed to dream but I still don’t want to be in here alone,” she asked, sounding so lost that it broke his heart in pieces. </p>
<p>“I’m the one who stays,” Holder said as he climbed into the bed beside her. He pulled the blankets around her and made sure her head was comfortably positioned on the pillow. “And so are you. Neither of us are going anywhere, Linden. I’m going to put my flashlight right here,” he gestured toward the nightstand. “I know you don’t like the dark. But I’m here, don’t you ever doubt it.”</p>
<p>He snuggled down next to her, getting comfortable himself as he prepared for his nightly vigil of listening to Sarah fall asleep. Sometimes he talked to her about whatever came to mind until he felt her body relax and heard her breathing even out. But tonight she had surrendered herself to the medication and was completely out in under five minutes. Only then did Holder allow himself to fall asleep, cradling his love’s now tranquil form in his arms. And he would remain that way until morning. After all, he was no flash in the pan. Stephen Holder was the one who stayed and he always would be.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Holder awoke the next morning to find Linden in the exact same position in which she had fallen asleep the night before.</p><p>“It’s about time you slept through the night,” he murmured into the still-sleeping woman’s ear. She stirred a tiny bit before settling in again and falling just as soundly asleep. It was a relief to him because with the way she’d started to shake last night… man, that might not have been good if he hadn’t gotten her into bed when he did. It was one of the signs the doctors had told him to watch out for; it meant that her body was stressed to the point of being unable to heal as well. He hadn’t told Sarah that they had said she might need to be admitted again if it didn’t stop. He didn’t want her to view going to sleep as a threat, nor did he want her to fight the nightly medication or associate it with something of which to be afraid. She’d had enough of that to deal with in her life, he decided, and as long as she complied with her recovery treatment plan, there was no reason to make her feel anxious. When she shook like she had the previous night, he would either cover her with his electric blanket or hold her close to keep her from losing body heat. When these things didn’t totally reduce the tremors, he made her warm drinks. As long as he didn’t make a big deal out of it, she remained calm as the problem resolved under his ministrations.  </p><p>He moved away from her slowly, untangling his long limbs from her in a way as to not disturb her sleep. It would be great if she could rest even an hour longer. He’d make her breakfast whenever she got up because it was his day off. He’d asked for more frequent days off after he brought Sarah home from the hospital to his dojo. Even though she insisted in doing most things in her life alone, the beginning of the flashbacks had shown him how very vulnerable the coma had left her, both physically and psychologically. Even if just for these weeks, she needed more help than she realized. The night before had been a mess. It had taken every fiber of strength he possessed to not freak out at the sight of her huddled on the kitchen floor, her mind more in the distant past than present. Thankfully, she had responded to him and been able to come back to the present, even if she was scared and teary, both emotions she rarely showed in front of anyone. A nagging thought kept repeating in Holder’s mind: what if she hadn’t come back to him?</p><p>“But she did,” he reminded himself as he stepped out of the bedroom and walked to the kitchen. He needed to survey what ingredients he had on hand for breakfast, hoping that he wouldn’t need to run to the store any time soon, given Linden’s frame of mind during the power outage. He sighed with relief as he found a box of pancake mix. At least breakfast was covered, and he soon found plenty of food for the other meals, too. </p><p>Holder crept back into the bedroom doorway and looked in on Sarah. She’d moved a little more in her sleep, which he considered a good thing because the medication had to wear off sometime. He had a sudden memory of her unconscious and nearly tumbling out of his car on that first morning after the psych ward thing. When she slowly raised her head and looked at him standing there, he released a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. She was awake and appeared to be well. </p><p>“Good morning, Holder,” Sarah said with a yawn. “You were right about the two pills, I didn’t have one dream all night. That’s not happened in years.”</p><p>He smiled despite the shaky feeling gnawing at his stomach. “That’s great! Do you want some breakfast? I was just about to start some pancakes. Coffee, too.”</p><p>“Sounds perfect,” she yawned again and reached for the sweater she’d discarded on a nearby chair. He noticed that she chose to leave her long auburn hair down instead of putting it up in its usual ponytail. Although it made her look more relaxed and younger than usual, worries assaulted Holder’s mind. </p><p>“Does your head hurt?” He blurted out before he knew he was about to speak. </p><p>Sarah looked at him with confusion. “No, why do you ask?”</p><p>He pointed to the back of her head. “You didn’t put your hair up, tie it back or whatever. Thought maybe your head hurt too much to do that, and that ain’t good…”</p><p>She nearly laughed but stopped herself. “No, I’m fine, just wanted it to be a little more casual.”</p><p>“Good. I was just worried. I-I like it. Don’t get me wrong.”</p><p>She sighed and grew somber. “I’m kind of freaked out by last night, too. Why do these flashbacks keep coming?”</p><p>“I don’t know. But I’m as interested in helping them stop as you are. Hit me up if there’s something I can do for you.” Holder rubbed his eyes. If Sarah’s choice of hairstyle was throwing him into worry, he must be getting rather twisted up. </p><p>“Just don’t leave me alone,” she answered quickly in a voice that sent chills up Holder’s spine because it sounded so much like her glassy eyed plea in the psych ward. “Not when they’re happening. But I’m going to drive you away with that, aren’t I?”</p><p>Holder stared at her and shook his head slowly. “No. I ain’t going anywhere. I’m here and so are you. We’re in this life together, Linden. No going back now that we have used those three words.” </p><p>Sarah blushed and looked at the floor. “You’re right.” </p><p>“How about breakfast? You haven’t tried my pancakes yet. Humbly speaking, you’re missing out on perfection, girl.”</p><p>Sarah laughed and followed him into the kitchen. “Okay, Mr. Perfect Chef.”</p><p>It made Holder feel happy and relieved to see Sarah devour her breakfast and even ask for seconds. Maybe this was what a decent night’s sleep actually did for her, he mused. He felt guilty for being so tense when she slept because it was obviously good for her and her recovery, which was what they were both focused on. So why did his chest and stomach feel so tight at certain unexpected moments through the day and night?</p><p>“Holder? You okay?” Linden’s voice broke into his thoughts. She had finished her plate of food and was gesturing toward his barely touched meal. “I was asking if you’d like me to do the dishes. You cooked a wonderful breakfast and shouldn’t have to clean up. But you seem like you’re a million miles away.” </p><p>Holder shrugged. “Sorry, Sarah. I’m fine.” </p><p>She stared at him, her blue eyes piercing. “I can tell when something is bothering you,” she said quietly. “Please don’t shut me out. Just because I’m going through some stuff, I’m still here for you. You’re my more than BFF, remember?” She gave him a small smile. </p><p>Holder swallowed tightly. “It’s just the things that happened lately. You getting hurt. All of this now. I’m afraid I’ll lose you. I nearly did twice.” </p><p>She looked at him for a moment without speaking. “I’m sorry.” </p><p>Holder shook his head. “See? That’s why I didn’t want to say anything. It ain’t your fault, any of it. You don’t need to be sorry.” </p><p>“I know how you feel. That night we spent looking for you on the island when the chief’s people beat you up,” she said. “It wasn’t your fault, but I was frantic. I couldn’t imagine losing you, and with each hour that went by, I kept imagining worse and worse things. Then when we found you… that was a whole new nightmare, not knowing if you would be okay or not.” </p><p>“That’s the price of those three words,” he agreed. “I love you, Sarah Linden, and the thought of not having you in my life is the worst thing I can imagine.” He rubbed his eyes. “Maybe I’m just too broken.” </p><p>She reached out to him and held his hand tightly. “We can be broken together. There’s no one else for me but you, Holder. We need to be there for each other.” He nodded in agreement. </p><p>That night, as Sarah slept dreamlessly next to him in bed, Holder was plunged into one of the worst nightmares he’d experienced.</p><p> <i>He was standing outside the car at the gas station where he’d pulled over to check on Sarah. After opening the passenger side door, she crumbled into his arms, just like before. But this time, there was blood pouring from a gunshot wound in her head and her throat had been slit. She was staring up at him with empty, lifeless eyes, her body stiff and cold to the touch. </i></p><p>
  <i>He screamed and sobbed as the coroner came to take her away, begging for her to wake up and come back to him again. </i>
</p><p>Holder awoke with a gasp. Where was Sarah? Where had they taken her? He looked around with frantic eyes until he realized that he was in his own bedroom. Where was Sarah? </p><p>His eyes fell on her still form lying next to him. He stared at her, trying to figure out what was going on. Had it really all been a dream? </p><p>Suddenly, he remembered them going to bed and Sarah falling into a deep, sedative induced slept after taking the two prescribed tablets. That had to be why she was so still. </p><p>Not wanting to disturb her, he bent over her and peered at her head and neck. No blood. He exhaled with a whoosh. Just a dream. </p><p>But was she really alive? The absence of blood didn’t mean much, just that she hadn’t been hurt in that way. It could be anything. He gently placed a finger on her beck and felt carefully for a pulse. Her skin was warm under his touch and her pulse strong and healthy. He watched her chest rise and fall with gratitude. She was okay. Nothing to worry about. She was alive and they were together. Silent tears poured down his cheeks. He returned to his pillow and exhaled slowly, willing his heart to slow down and his mind to get a hold of itself. Holder scolded himself for being so easily tricked by his nightmare, but the sobs came anyway. </p><p>Sarah stirred in her sleep and turned toward him. Her eyes blinked open and a look of alarm came over her face as she saw him shaking with sobbing. “What’s wrong? Stephen! Are you okay?”</p><p>He nodded, trying hard to find the breath to form words. “Bad dream,” he managed after a minute. “Don’t worry about it.”</p><p>“But I do worry about it,” she said, sleep still heavy in her voice. “If it worries you, it worries me.” She fell silent for a moment. “It was about me.” It was more of a confirmation than a question. </p><p>“It was,” he admitted. “But you’re okay… I don’t know why I keep dreaming this stuff. I can’t get you to wake up in the car, or you’re in the hospital needing a machine to breathe for you, or you’re just gone and I can’t find you.”</p><p>“I’m right here,” she laid a land on his chest, where his heart was still beating out of control. “You found me. Okay? You found me, Stephen.”</p><p>“I can’t lose you again!”</p><p>“You won’t. And I won’t lose you. I promised that I won’t run from you, and I mean it. You remember what you said about being broken and I told you that we were broken together?” Sarah’s voice was barely above a whisper. </p><p>“Yeah,” he said. “I do.”</p><p>“Well, I was only half right,” Sarah began. “We can also mend together. We don’t have to stay broken because we love each other.”</p><p>“Like the pottery,” he said. “I saw it on the Discovery Channel. The Japanese fix their broken pottery by putting gold in the cracks. It’s called kintsugi, this way they fix it. You can still see where the broken parts are…”</p><p>“But that’s what makes it beautiful.” Sarah finished. “That’s exactly what I mean.” </p><p>Holder nodded. </p><p>“Do you trust me to stay enough to go back to sleep?” Sarah asked. </p><p>“I do, you know I trust you. You’re my BFF.”</p><p>“Okay, then let’s try to get some rest.” She rolled closer to him until she could lay her head with its cascading hair on his chest. Holder smiled and ran his hand through the soft, sweet smelling waves. </p><p>“Aight, good night, Linden. I love you.”</p><p>She smiled in the dim light. “Good night, Holder, I love you, too.”</p><p>The End</p>
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